If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
