The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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