stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
