i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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