Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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