i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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