i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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