So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
