I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
