Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize