Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
