Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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