So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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