Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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