You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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