His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
