just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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