just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize