woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
