Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
