There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
