Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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