my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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