My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
