38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
