Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
