I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
