just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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