i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
