Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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