Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize