Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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