can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
