You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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