Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
