What did we do last night that was yellow?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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