sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
