I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
