I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
