god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
