Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
