i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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