so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
