Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
