a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
