How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
