CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
