my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
