watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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