can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
