My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
