I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
