I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
