Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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