you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
