Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
