I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
