At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
